Before I pour forth the flow of my bleeding heart, I would just like to say that I am thankful of the opportunities and work I’ve been able to get or had been given to me the past summer. The money I earned will continue to help me in my future endeavors, especially now on my fourth year thesis. I am not ungrateful of the kindness of my employers, or their eagerness to take a chance on a relatively unknown artist such as myself and enjoy my work as such.
Thank you very much for the opportunity.
But, as weird as it may sound, I have reached a point where I no longer know what my motivation for working is. I knew perfectly why I started working, I did it to distract myself from my personal life. It is, or rather was, my “healthy” form of escapism. But then again, I think we would all agree that escapism is never good thing, no matter what form or context.
For a while the distraction kept me happy in the sense that I had no time to think of other things. It was refreshing, and for a while I was content with that. But then I started earning from my first paychecks, and the money that kept flowing slowly became my new motivation and driving force. So as the days passed and summer reached the halfway point I had forgotten my initial reasons for consuming myself with work and indulged the perks of being a freelance artist.
Fast forward-ing to june, as enrollment came and school started, I found myself not being able to part with my work. My intuition was already telling me that something had to give, but I kept telling myself that there was no harm in it. How can anything bad spring forth from the work of my hands?
I kept telling myself these little lies that everything will work out in the end, and that the sin of omission is the greatest of all the sins in the world.
Then this week happened.
This week I was so busy with deadlines that I purposely chose working rather than seeing my friends in three separate occasions: during a dinner my close friends were hosting last tuesday, my friends gig at our college last friday, and a get together of alumni graphic artists at the Collegian last night. This week I also woke up late for two classes because I was busy editing the night before and ended up being absent for the first time this semester. My unhealthy disposition on work had reached its apex as I saw it come full circle, Its initial purpose to distract me from my life has become far too effective for its own good.
I could no longer ignore that I have taken my zealous approach on work too far. And what made me realize this was a rogue episode of Adventure Time that aired at 2:30am, when Finn and Jake discover Zombie Businessmen trapped in an Iceberg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Vv9rBWoJ-U). I liked that episode
so much that I downloaded it on 720p Blue ray quality. But i digress..
I cant continue doing this to myself. Instead of distracting me from my life, my work has now isolated me from everyone. This isolation is claustrophobic at best, and mind numbing-ly haunting to say the least. Because in the end, I have to admit that work did nothing to curb my sorrows, or forget the questions in my life that need answers or resolutions. I can distract myself from the sting of a wound all I want, but it cannot stop the blood from pouring forth until I reach atrophy and slowly wither away into dust.
I have to quit while I am ahead lest I become a Zombie Businessman, emotionless, lifeless and completely expendable in the eyes of employers.
I have to take my life back.